crossing all our fingers...

Tomorrow morning we'll hopefully have some great news about our eggs... Hopefully MUCH better then this last Monday... We've done so many growth hormones this week we're praying for like three or four follicles of good size that will turn into eggs and give us a few chances of having babies... So like I said, all our fingers are crossed...
We did have to run into the DR today to pick up more meds for our shot tonight. I've done one everyday since Sunday and I had done one Friday night as well. Tonight was a little harder, I couldn't find a spot that wasn't bruised and sore so it was a little tricky getting it done. But of course with my sweet husband to help me, we were able to take care of it.
Rush, our little baby Pom, just lays at my feet while I do the shots. He waits right at my feet kind of under the chair till I'm done icing my tummy, doing the shot and getting the band aid on. It's a little funny, he always follows me right to the couch and lays next to me and watches. It's like he's making sure I'm fine. I am probably imagining it but he always looks a little sad when I go to lay down after. He's my little angel. (an angel that does everything bad he can think of because he thinks its funny) I love him. He took care of me while Sean was gone over this last summer. He would just stay by me, he was never out of my sight while I was home. Everywhere I go I have a tiny black and hairy shadow following me right at my heels to make sure he doesn't miss out on anything.
Sometimes I think back to while Sean was gone and I can't remember how hard it was, and other times it's so clear I have nightmares and wake up crying. I'm so glad to have my husband back and now Rush doesn't have to try and jump up and lick tears off my face. I never really liked that but it was so funny and really adorable.
Sean is such a good man. He is very strong, (not just his body) but the person he is. He never falters in his convictions. And he is so caring towards me. Without fail, even though I have done over 14 shots now, he comes and sits with me and checks to make sure my skin is numb before I stick myself and he always has a band aid and a gauze ready for when the needle comes out. He never misses a DR's appointment, and always asks questions. He is my support when things are so hard that I can't seem to see past the pain. He's my rock. I am a very blessed little girl.
Thanks Sean for being my sweet love.. I still can't believe you picked me to marry. This crazy loud girl from a tiny town in Washington?? It's amazing how we met, and that we even did. It's still a little funny to me to think back to that day when you and Lance were just walking by looking for "hot babes" And how perfect you seem to be for me blows my mind. My mom always said I needed someone with a great amount of patience, that's you. I am all wound up and get flustered easily and excited and mad and dramatic over tiny things.... You always help me to sit back, take a deep breath and think about it before I blow my top... Or.. in those cases where I've already blown my top to help me to pull it together and think about love and how great our life is.
Just think, this coming Monday will be our two year anniversary. I can't wait to celebrate that day. The day I married my very best friend and scored big time with you as my man!! I love you cuteface!

Answers!!?? Yes i GOT them!!!

Okay.. great great news. I talked to my DR. My REAL DR. Not her nurse... not her receptionist... and not the other nurse...
Great news. I talked to her and the first thing she said was how hard she knew it was when my body didn't respond like it was supposed to. Next words out of her mouth "I take it you guys are wanting to be aggressive?" ahhh EXACTLY! We wouldn't be doing this if we didn't want to be aggressive and have a baby or two. "Yes!" I said. She said next "Okay, I want you to do a shot everyday. Monday-Thursday" o wonderful. So yes, she is happy to work with us and by work with us I mean, she is aggressive like we want to be. We've waited long enough. We want to be parents. Yes. Help us. Work hard with us because we're working hard to have this baby. We're putting all our eggs in ONE basket!! BUT TO EVEN do that we have to have eggs. So here we are. We're doing one shot everyday till Thursday. So that will be seven total Bravelle/growth injections so we can have eggs.

Great great! That's what we want. A DR who is on the same page as we are... in the same book!

well today was interesting at the DR's

We went in today.... And nothing. Nope. My eggs haven't grown, and in fact they lost 3 they can't seem to find. Last time we went in the lady who helped us (always has a problem finding my ovaries and all that and isn't as experienced.) didn't do such a great job. Besides hurting me I had to ask her a few times if she was measuring 2 eggs as one... It turns out she did. Today we only have one egg that was even noticeable. 13.7 mm. Yep. And Friday it was supposedly 12.8. and where did the other 12 and the two 10's go?? O they must have faded into oblivion. NO where to be seen today. This was really frustrating. I have more shots I have to do and the tiny little follicles seem to be content to stay little and not turn into babies. We go back in on the 18th... So hopefully we have better news.
SO after our visit I talked to family just like always... And my mother in law was just as frustrated as I am. The fact that I was noticing somthing wrong and the Nurse not owning up to it?? Yep.. WE're calling the DR and getting a straight story today. We'll get this fixed right up.
So all said, it was a fine visit. And I know now not to let them crush me off when I'm trying to tell them something doesn't feel right or look quite right to me. NO longer will I just say "OK" I'll ask more questions and expect a better, more straight forward answer.

Updates

So Sean and I are trying again, the same procedure we did before. The clomid, then the injections (bravell) and all the ultrasounds and then the IUI. We went in on Friday after doubling up our doses to start with last Sunday.

Friday.. The news wasn't perfect but we're getting there. Again, the follicles have to get to 18 at the very least. As of right now we have two 12's and two 10's. Only thing here... We have the possibility of 4... YES I SAID it. 4 eggs. So last time when they were this size we had to do two more shots to get where we needed to be. Because of how many follicles there are all right about the same size they only want me to do one shot... BUT what if the eggs don't grow enough??? And we end up with NOTHING... They want to be careful about hyper stimulation. But also make sure we've got something. So that is the update for us as of now. We go back in Monday morning to see where we're at on this whole thing. We'll let you know. And then... we wait. Two weeks again and we shall see. hopefully my ovaries don't end up looking like this image below... I will not be an octomom! Two?? for sure. I could do that... 3??? o goodness... Really?? no way... anything more would be WAY too much!

Fall family pictures... By Erica Stewart Photography

Erica Stewart Photography

Thankful hearts....

I realize that things seem to come out like we're pretty down sometimes. So we decided to sit down together and come up with the things that we are so thankful for... our many many blessings. This was the start to our Friday night "date night" What a great kick off.

So here we go...

"count your many blessings, name them one by one..."

1. Family

2. the Gospel

3. Our home we have to live in

4. My job

5. Sean's schooling

6. Our baby Rush

7. Our healthy bodies

8. Friends

9. Me (Sean said this one, he's thankful for me)

10. My wonderful, supportive, patient, loving, kind, handsome husband (the list goes on)

11. Our neighborhood, we've met some wonderful people here

12. Temples and temple marriage

13. Our beautiful ward building

14. Internet, without it we wouldn't have found our DR and would have no idea what is going on in the world around me.

15. People who understand where we're coming from when we get discouraged.

16. The Utah Jazz

17. The democrats loosing the house.

18. Multiple job offers so that Sean can do whatever he wants

19. DR's and modern medicine

20. The gym, we love to stay healthy.

21. Our relationship as husband and wife and best friends.

22. Health Benefits (even though they don't help with infertility treatments)

23. Cars, so we can get to our family that is far

24. Babies, they always bring a smile to our faces.

25. Hot running water and indoor plumbing.

and that's just to list a few... We are truly blessed.

meds meds meds.. That's all I do...

tonight I did the 2nd shot... and then I had to start another med, one that thickens the lining in the uterus.. I cried looking at the bottle. i'm unbelievably sick of taking medicine for something that i was born to do. my body? doesn't agree.......? really?? i should be able to just have kids. i shouldn't be injecting myself... and taking every other med under the sun... in my brain i was born to have babies... that's all i want. to be a mother. yet here i am. apparently not.

Round 2 of shots... and 6 of fertility meds...

Here we go again. Tonight Sean and I sat together and prepared my tummy for the first injection. Typically what you do is mix 1 part liquid with 1 part of the powder bravell. But with how long and how much help it took last time they changed it to: 1 part liquid and 2 parts bravell. It burned. O goodness. Last time when the meds went into my tummy it burned a tiny bit... nothing bad.
Tonight I nearly passed out as soon as I started injecting the meds. But I made it through. It was a little harder then the last time I'm not sure why. And it bled LOTS. I was amazed when I took the needle out. Sean was amazed, I've never seen him move so fast as he did to stop that blood. He's my sweetie pie. He won't let me do any cleaning or cooking after I do a shot. He just wants me to lay down and rest. That might have a little something to do with me passing out the first time I did a shot...
For the rest of our evening what do we have planned???? My husband has been wandering around the house in a daze saying "I want candy.... I want candy...." So of course he won't let me clean or cook dinner but there are cookies in the oven now!! Just for my sweetie pie. Love him.

projects that have kept me busy....

So the first step I've had to take to keep from going insane with all this waiting is... FILLING up my time. ALL my time. Here are some of the projects I've done....

Baby burp rags... After having dinner with a cousin the other day and we saw exactly how many they used in one hour... I asked my mother in law to show me how to do these!!! I've been making these like CRAZY.

Bella Classico Photography
by Lauren Stewart

(here are a couple images)

Dresser.... Big project #1. I transformed this into a BEAUTIFUL dresser perfect for a baby's room. And I love it. It was a gift from Sean's mom, and my mom and I turned it into a perfect piece of furniture.

This is Palin. She is the cutest TINIEST little baby in the whole world. We got her a few weeks ago and she took up all my time. But she actually came to us with Parvo and died a short time later. It was really hard. But she's a doll... We loved her!

meds?? o yeah. here we go again

Placed an order last Friday for our next set of meds for this treatment. It will be here tomorrow. It all starts again. Clomid first, then Bravell (the injections) and then the waiting.. O fun fun!. Not really. but seriously. We're doing it again. And we'll keep doing this till we have a little one on the way. It's hard to say "keep trying", but it would be even harder to say "stop, I'm done."

So... yes. We are in this for the long hall. Thanks family for the support. And for those close friends who are always there for us. This was a hard thing to keep to ourselves, it was really lonely. And I was so sick of people asking me when we were going to have kids. Sharing our story has lifted a burden. SO... yeah I might talk about personal things or things you don't care to hear... But this is our blog so that's fine.

Thanks again everyone for the prayers and the little notes. Sean and I appreciate it very much. It's helped us to know that people out there that care for us and are hoping with us for good things. We love you all.

kind words?? Maybe. Maybe not

Today Sean and I got news that devastated both of us. The last two years has been long and really hard. How patient have we already been? How much faith and trust did we and do we continue to put our Heavenly Father? Lots. I'll just say that much.
Please never tell someone who you really don't know much about to be patient. That should come from loved ones that are close and know the whole situation. Please never tell them "well, it's just not your time." Don't tell them to "relax and stop trying so hard." Probably when in doubt, don't say anything. You never know what is going on unless you're living in the situation or you have been there. Don't assume you "know" anything. Because most likely you know lots, but about other things. Words can sting so badly when a heart and soul are already hurting and struggling to keep a float. I know most words are to give encouragement and hope... but really? come on. Just probably keep it to yourself. In our situation, Sean and I are going through enough that you really don't need to ad to it.
For those of you who are just kindly there sharing love and hope and prayers for us we really appreciate it. This is not meant to come off as rude. but I figure that if I don't say something then I have no right to be frustrated. Thanks!

o boy.

No news is better news then the new we got today. No baby on the way for us.

almost...... there................

Ok.. so very VERY soon. Please please

Friday get here soon with REAL good news...

o goodness... o goodness... that's all. thanks. BYE

waiting............. sucks

So it's been a week and one day since our IUI and the waiting is by far the hardest part. I can't sleep at night. I cry and I just worry. Poor Sean. My sweet husband has put up with so much from me. The other night I think I cried for going on 2 hours... Two SOLID hours. And he just holds me.

This whole process has been overwhelming. I can honestly say that I never thought that this is what things would be like when I finally settled down with the man of my dreams. Get married, yes. Babies, yes. shots in my tummy? Nope. They were not in my plan. For nearly the last two years it's been an emotional roller coaster. I have a two year supply of pregnancy tests that I started refusing to use because I hated the feeling of a negative test. Anyways...

the waiting definitely sucks. Emotional, physically, spiritually.... I've been a mess. O goodness. I just want the waiting to be over and the good news to come rolling in. I want the DR to say... YES. YOU did it! you're pregnant... but I've still got almost a whole week.

This time next Friday could be going one of two ways... Lots of phone calls to our loved ones and much celebration and excitement. Or... well... the other one is not to happy. Lots of crying and despair and planning our next move. We shall see. I'm trying to prepare myself for it. Sean keeps joking that if it didn't work and I'm not pregnant he'll be staying with some friends for a few days... of course he'd never do that but it's his way of saying... I know you'll be a wreck. Ahhhhhhh o my. What will time bring??

No one but Heavenly Father knows... I put my trust in his hands.

hospital visit... got a little scare!

So Sean and I had to rush into the DR's office this morning. It started last night when I got a gut wrenching pain in my lower left side. It got so bad that I couldn't even walk. We were out at Walmart getting fabric for the baby bibs I will be making with my mother-in-law this weekend. As we shopped it got worse and worse. Finally, we checked out and headed home. I went in the house to lay down immediately. Of course I had been googling on my phone possible causes of this terrible pain. Nothing really explained it very well. So I called my DR's after hours phone line. They didn't get the call or the message till the following morning. BUT as soon as they got it, about 5:30am I got a worried call telling me to head in as soon as I could. So in we went! I barely had time to shower before we left. I was sick about it the whole way. The pain had lasted all night and into the morning. It did let up a little but I could still feel it, and I had been up most of the night in pain.
My DR was out for the day but I got to see one of the other DR's. He came in after the nurse had me up on the table and she had felt around on my tummy to see if she could see anything out of the ordinary. She went and got the DR (last time we were there she couldn't find my ovaries... so she didn't want to try again) and he came in and did the ultrasound. He first checked my right ovary for pain. I told him no. So he went onto the left side. He warned me before he did that if might hurt... Ah........... still feeling sick, I braced myself.......... Nothing. No pain or discomfort. Weird. He was however, very happy with that. I just didn't know what to think! He told me that if there was an infection there would have been severe pain. Also, while he was doing the ultrasound he showed me that my two big healthy eggs on my left side had definitely done their job! I guess the eggs leave behind fluid and the sack they grew in when they leave the ovary. Eggs are a cyst before they are an EGG! Crazy. I did not know that. He told me everything looked perfect.
He also said tomorrow is implantation day. Day six after ovulation is the day the egg implants in your uterus and you actually become pregnant... O gosh we're really hoping. Ah.. Hope. We'll know ten days if it worked. O how I hope it does! I want to have a little bundle of joy in my arms!
OK so the pain? It was cause by a twisted ovary. He said what happens is similar to when your arm falls asleep when you lay on it for to long and the blood flow is cut off. The DR told me it's really a common thing and about 90% of these fix themselves. The other 10% must be surgically corrected. He told me that I'll be sore for a few days while my ovary gets back to normal but that I'm fine. He wished us luck and then didn't charge us for the ultrasound! Great! Cause they're $200 every time... So that was a blessing!!!! THANK YOUUUUUU Dr! That's all. I'm pretty tired heading to bed. Thanks again for the prayers and support! We're very thankful to you all!

iui DONE

So this morning we went in and dropped off our stuff. They clean them and prep them to enter the uterus. So we had an hour to run around and kill time until it was ready to go.

We dropped the stuff off at 9:45 this morning. So at 10:30 we headed back on in. We waited a little while and then were shown into the room where we had done all our ultrasounds. As instructed I hoped up onto the bed ready to have the work done. Sean and I waited... and waited... and waited for the Nurse to come back in.

Finally there she was. It was our TURN! (it really was only like 3 minutes but of course when your really anxious it seems like forEVER). She popped her head in and in her hand was a cathidure with our names on it, they wanted to make sure it was going into the right body... It was our and we were ready!

The procedure is called an IUI. Intrauterine Insemination. Sounds fun huh?? Don't let anyone fool you. It's not. Not fun at all. But it was the highlight of my day. The process was fast, it only took her like 8 minutes to get it all done. After that I just got to lay there for about 15 minutes with my hips elevated while Sean and I talked about having babies... I am so excited but extremely nervous. We just really want this to work. For it to finally happen for us.

After Sean took me home to rest for the day. OF course I made a few calls after, my mom, my dad, Sean's mom and that was it. Now the waiting starts. I went home and slept with my hips up till abut 4pm today. When I woke up?? Ah so much pain. Cramping (which i'm told is the ovulation actually taking place) and then lots of pressure on my girl parts and all of that. I did get called into work so I went in and let me tell you... sitting?? Not my thing right now. Nope. NO THANK YOU. The car ride itself was torture and then sitting on my chair at the office?? OUCH. O well. I only had to work from 6:45 to 8pm so I was out of there in no time. Now i'm hope. Relaxing. Thinking about babies... Doing my darndest to get pregnant... Thinking lots of baby thoughts... and baby this... and baby that... then I get sick to my tummy... I worry. The not knowing is awful. The worst part. But we both have hope. Which is more then I can say for us just a couple months ago. Sean had all the hope and I had none. So Yeah! We're full of hope and faith that this will work for us. We'll know on the 29th.... two weeks from tomorrow.... o my.... Wish us luck!!!

Again thank you everyone for keeping us in your prayers... It means so so much to us. We love you all.

today has finally arrived....

Sean and I are getting ready to head into the Doctor's office this morning. He's got a cup to fill up first... And then... They'll process it and get it all ready for me. THEN it's my time to focus and concentrate on making my body do it's job. We shall see we shall see!

I stumbled on this cartoon.... O my goodness. Funny. Maybe JUST maybe she'll fall for him!!!!!! That's what we're hoping for!!!

Boom. Done. YEAH!

Go team! So we got really good news today. The best yet by far. We're READY! We've got two eggs from the left ovary. One measures 25 and the other 21, which is great. They were trying to get us to 18. I was a little worried at how big they were but they said "No need to worry they're perfect!" And... So I just did my very last injection! It ended up totalling six and not three like we originally were thinking. But it's so fine and we have to happy and healthy eggs ready to meet their love.... And make us a baby!

We've scheduled our IUI for tomorrow morning at 10:30 am. And it can't get here fast enough... The shot I did today was to trigger ovulation so the eggs can start that fateful journey. We're really hoping for this to work and we'll know about two weeks from tomorrow if it did the trick. Of course there is a large chance it won't work there is still a really good chance it will. So if it doesn't we'll be doing this whole thing over again next month and every month after that till we get it right.
Neither of us can wait to be told we're expecting but I guess we'll just have to! But at least we know we have an good of a chance as anyone else. That's what we're holding onto. And the constant prayers and well wishes from those around us. We appreciate the support offered by everyone. It makes this really challenging time in our life just a little easier. The time of truth will be here soon... We shall see!!!!!

tomorrow... tomorrow... TOMORROW!

So... like I said we have a full size egg and one right behind. I'm getting ready to do my shot for that last little bit of growth on that second egg tonight.... Then tomorrow we'll be getting our trigger shot!!! And by getting it I mean I'm giving it to myself and then 24 hours after it will be procedure time! Yeah yeah! o goodness. we go in for an ultrasound in the morning to see what time exactly we'll do the trigger HCG shot. ooooooo this is going to be a good week. i've been all smiles the last two weeks. I've been asked twice if I was pregnant because they said I was glowing... Sadly I can't say "Yes" yet... but SOON! I hope.. I hope... I hope....

Sean and I have talked about baby names so many times... NEVER able to come to an agreement on any boy names. Girl names? Yes. Boy names NO. and finally today we decided on 2 names... GREAT! Not telling yet... Will tell soon... well... when we're finally pregnant... O goodness.... I can't really focus at work or at home.. I can't sleep because I'm so excited to know. O my... to try this IUI thing... O my. Can't wait for tomorrow.

and for Egg number one!!!!!!

So today we went in and got great news!! I have one that is PERFECT size, and one more that is just a little smaller. They gave me the choice of doing another shot and we're going to go ahead and do one more injection tomorrow night and then we'll have two. We'll get to do out procedure this week! Wednesday or Thursday... So we can't wait. YEAH YEAH! We're both really excited. Then we just have to wait and see what happens. So we're praying real hard and got everything crossed. Let's get it done! We'll know about two weeks from the day we do the IUI if it worked. So... here's to tipped uterus' and hidden ovaries and the nurses who look so hard to find them and our eggs! Wish us luck!

Shots? What shots!

I'm a pro by now. No sick feeling. Juts get my tummy ready do my thing and it's done. I have to say I'm proud of myself... Usually I wouldn't say that. But come on?? My good friend Tonja and I were talking via text messaging yesterday, and she said I could probably open my own practice by now I'm basically a DR. Kidding. But seriously.

Anyways, it was interesting as I was getting ready to do my shot, I was actually really excited. I couldn't wait. Sean said it's because I know it's working. And that makes lots of sense to me. I have hope. A deep hope for this outcome to be a good one. And to be completely honest, I haven't had that for a long while. It's a good feeling to have. I'm looking forward to tonight when I do my last growth shot and then tomorrow morning I go in to the DR and see what's what! Sean and I will be up in Farmington tonight so we'll see how it goes doing this in no privacy at all :-)

I have to say thanks for all the encouraging posts. It makes this feel not so heavy to be able to share this burden. I really do appreciate all the thoughts and prayers said on mine and Sean's behalf. We appreciate it so much. We'll owe you all when we finally do get pregnant!

Eggs please!

Today....

drum roll please...................

Went really well. It wasn't perfect BUT we got good news. We have two large eggs that just need a little more help and then they'll be ready!! I have 3 sets of shots left now. Tonight a growth one, and Sunday night another one. Then Monday I go in again to see how big they are and depending on that we'll go to the next step and the final shot!! I can't believe it. After five treatments, 3 doctors we finally have a place that is doing it right! We'll be doing our IUI treatment next week as soon as we get the go ahead! We can't wait. This was a good day.


I have been nothing but smiles all day. Sean loves it, and he keeps saying he can't imagine what it will be like when we finally do get a positive pregnancy test! Hopefull in a couple weeks!!!

Ultrasound?

In the morning is the big moment we've been working towards... We shall see if anything has come of the injections I've been giving myself. I go in to see if there are any eggs worth doing some magic with. (Cause magic is what it's going to take) Fingers, toes, legs, arms EVERYTHING is crossed. There are four possible outcomes for tomorrow.
First, we could have a couple or a few healthy eggs ready for an HCG shot so we can get an IUI treatment done in the next few days. (This is the one we're REALLY hoping for)
Or, there could be not enough growth yet on those eggs to need the HCG shot. So... that would mean for me more injections before that special shot, in hopes that my eggs will get big enough.
Next, nothing. This treatment may have done nothing for me at all. If this is the case we'll have to start looking at more options. No idea what we'd do.
Fourth? We could have way to many eggs to do the procedure safely. I don't want to end up like the octomom. No we won't be having a litter of babies. Twins? Great. We'd LOVE that. Triplets? I don't know what we'd do or how they would fit in my tummy. But NO more then that. So we shall see what tomorrow morning brings!! This could be a BIG BIG day for us. So now? Let us pray.

Needle?? who cares!

Here are a few images of what it looked like... Well kind of. OK, let me tell you exactly how it happened. I waited. All day. Went to work and then went to dinner with Sean. Then came home. I had to wait for 48 hours and to it at the same time as we did last time. So, finally 11:30pm rolls around. Great. I'm sick already and I haven't even gotten the needles out of the fridge. This is gonna be good. I'm just sure of it. Here we go again, icing my tummy, cleaning my tummy, the mixing the stuff to inject myself with. Then filling the syringe.. and emptying it... then filling it and getting so many air pockets in it.. so pushing it all back into the container. Great. My tummy is no longer numb. So the ice goes back on. Here I've got Sean holding the ice on my tummy while I make sure I've gotten rid of all the problem bubbles. Ok. Here goes nothing. Ready to stick myself. IN THE TUMMY. (i couldn't find any pictures of that) And right after I stick the needle in and right before I inject the stuff I see a HUGE air bubble that got in there because I didn't hold the syringe tube at tight as I should have and it moved. Great. Out comes the needle. Again. I'll have to do it again!?? Crap. But i know for a fact that the air bubbles are bad! Finally I get it right. And the needle goes in. I injected the meds. "Great job Lauren, you're so brave!" I find myself saying in my brain over and over again. It was so much easier tonight. It did bleed tonight whereas last night it did not. But the plus about that was I knew where to put the band aid! (unlike last time... we just guessed) Of course I got a little sick... Felt light headed and had to lay down and the area is sore. BUT I did not throw up. I feel very proud of myself. I've come a very long ways from when I had to go give blood over two years ago to see what, if anything, was wrong. Now I'm the one doing the dirty work. In fact for this experience I paid quite a bit of money! And I'm still paying! But I did it. And Sean is so proud of me and my support system is a good one. I've been very blessed.

One down... not sure how many left to go

Today was my first injection day. I'd say it went smoothly, but not without it's bumps. I worked all day and of course took the time to think of how awful it will actually be to stick myself with a needle. Great. I was nervous all day. Then, I had a work dinner. Yes. Where you sit around with people you work with and usually only talk about work to... TRY and think of fun things to say... All the while, I was worrying about the needles waiting for me at my house. Du Du dun...

So I go home, slip into something a little more comfortable to give myself a shot in. I don't think there is such a thing. But I went for sweat pants and a loose cotton T. It just felt right. I went and retrieved my box of meds from our refrigerator where they take up a whole shelf and serve to remind me we're buying meds instead of food because we can't buy both. So... there is meds and meds alone in that fridge. Just kidding. But seriously.

I put my box out on the table and start unpacking all the junk to get it together. First, find the needles and put them as far from myself as possible. Next, get the meds out of their container. Then, panic a little and finally regain control. Fourth, I iced my tummy. Sean said to numb it by putting ice on one spot for a long time. That surely will take away any sting. It however did not numb the mental process and emotional effect that this would have. SO continue icing my tummy.... Just in shock still of what I'm about to do. Then clean the area. Here goes nothing. Mixing the injections and then sticking myself. At first I didn't push hard enough to break the skin... And i forgot to pinch that area of skin like they told me. Holy crap. The needle is entering my stomach. Holy crap. it's in. QUICK PANIC... now what?? o yeah... put the crap in my belly... that was the worst part. Squeezing it right into myself didn't feel real good. And there is a little hard spot on my tummy where I did it. But I did it. Yes. GREAT GREAT!

That's right before I passed out then woke up making a mad dash for the bathroom so I could throw up my $30 work dinner in my toilet. All the while my husband and my puppy were both hovering over me. Quickly I kicked them out and regurgitated the rest of my food in peace. Now my teeth are brushed and my face is washed and i have a cute little baby band aid on my belly. I can't believe I did that!!!! Me, Lauren Stewart, who has been terrified of needles my whole life, just stuck a needle into my tummy ALL BY MYSELF! And I feel great. It was scary and made my body really mad but I did it. Baby BABY here we come!!!