Shot class?

Hello there DR. Long time no see. O wait.. Ha not true. I saw you last week. O and the week before that. Well, since we're hanging out now, about once a week I would say we're closer then some of my best friends that I've had my whole life. AND you know more about my body. HAAAAAA. Kidding. Well, kind of.
Today I went to the DR to have blood work done and to have a shot class... They taught me how to stick myself with needles. Well, they actually taught me how to stick a rubber ball with needles. I'm sure it will be a little different.
For example, when I stick myself, I'll say "Now Lauren this is going to sting a little but only for a second" I wouldn't say that to the ball.. I might also say "O you're being so brave! You really are!" but definitely not to the ball. o my goodness. I'm also supposed to wipe the ball, o I mean tummy clean before I poke it. O my. what if I get them mixed up and wipe my tummy then poke the rubber ball? holy smokes.... Are they really trusting me with this??? o crap.
We shall see. I have 5 days to prepare myself mentally before I begin the injections. I'm starting to get exited... More and more. Still a little hard because nothing is for sure, well, one thing is for sure. I want to be a mommy, and Sean needs to be a daddy. That's what he was born for. He's such a natural with them. And for some reason, they can't get enough of him. To adults? He's intimidating I've heard people say things like "Did you see Lauren's husband? He's huge. He scared the crap out of me." or "Wow either you're a soldier or you should be" as they take a step back. But not little kids. Nope. They run to him with no fear expecting to be thrown, tickled and chased. He plays into their games, having just as much IF NOT MORE fun then they do.
Yes. Of that I am certain. Sean is supposed to be a daddy. I've got my fingers crossed, said my prayers. Called all my extended family (well I didn't, I know for a fact telling the mom's is always enough, I LOVE YOU BOTH) and now we wait.

needles? then... MORE needles?

So my package of medication for this whole process arrived last night... Yes I knew I would be giving myself injections. I did not know that I would be doing more then two. There were 12 LARGE needles in the box.. AND boy did I about have a fit. I couldn't sleep last night. I really don't know how on earth I'll be able to give myself these shots. And as badly as I would like Sean to take that responsibility from me... There's no way. Nope. Ah... so no sleep last night. I really am worried. I know a tiny bundle of joy could very possibly be waiting for me on the other side of those HUGE needles... o my... HAAAAAA I think I can.. I think I can... I think I can... We shall see.

Meds and emotions.................

Today I ordered the medication I'll be taking over the next few weeks. Each thing added up and the price on it was shocking. But Sean kept reminding me that it is worth the bundle of joy we are hoping to have. (Or perhaps 2 bundles of joy...) OF course i agree.

The package is scheduled to arrive at our home this coming Tuesday. I was able to get part of it here in town, but the rest must be mailed. Over the course of the next few weeks I'll be doing things I NEVER thought I would be. The one thing that makes me nervous (so far) are the injections... They are self administered. Ah.......... If anyone has ever heard me talk about the DR they would understand (probably my mother knows best about this) I used to hide under the chairs in the Dr's office to try and avoid getting shots... I got slapped by a nurse on the day I was starting 6th grade... And I watched 5 nurses hold my baby brother down to give him shots and watched him limps for over a week... I've never been fond of needles. BUT I'll be giving them to myself RIGHT in the gut... o my.. help! Sean for sure can't do them! I would be mad at him for sticking me with a needle... and that's not fair! SO he will be out of the room when that happens for sure.

HOT flashes?? Of course I can't be scared of this but I HATE them. The fertility drug I take first causes these REAL bad for over a month (if I'm remembering correctly) And o I hate that.. night sweats and stripping in my sleep.. O and throwing the covers ALL the way off the bed and being irritable. O goodness. :-) Emotional roller coaster here i come!!! O please o please Sean... be patient with me... OK you are... I know you will be... How did I find someone so understanding?? O my... He got the short end of the stick with me it seems but I SCORED!

Sorry if these posts make you feel sad for me or if I sound angry. It's just been so long I have to let it out. That's all. NO biggie. And we shall see!!! perhaps we'll have a HAPPY HAPPY ending!!!!

Trying harder... hope?

Over the last 2 years Sean and I have undergone 4 fertility treatments. And... well, here we go again. We have started adoption papers but also have met with a specialist. We have started our treatments for trying to help us get pregnant all over again. We're hoping that they pay off before they make us go broke. This is an expensive thing. But the outcome should be a good one, or so we've been told.
As we were meeting with Kristin, our new DR yesterday Sean and I both felt out hope picking up and getting stronger. He has always been stronger than I am, but I found his hope to be contagious and I couldn't help but get excited. I have found shielding myself from the thought that it's actually going to happen for us has been a much better way to go on with my days. I get too excited to sadness when it turns out to be false is unbearable. And poor Sean.. O my. Having to deal with me. He is a VERY strong man. But yesterday, I found my hope at levels not seen for a long time for me. We've picked out a crib and some really perfect names... And the thoughts of twins keeps coming into my mind. Sean did however tell me not to get greedy. O well. I can't help it. I am a little greedy, my reply was "I've waited long enough to entitle myself to a little greed" (which we both knew was not true)
Hope... We've got some!! And every day I'm getting more. Kristin, helped us understand everything he was planning for us. We feel prepared to take the next steps with confidence. We shall see, we shall see!

Waiting and Waiting

This coming November, Sean and I will have been married for two years. Over all the time has been great. We love one another and consider ourselves so lucky to have found each other. But there is one thing we're missing, ont thing we are dying to have.

The typical marriage in Utah goes as follows: Marriage (after short months of dating) Honeymoon, BABY, school, BABY, graduation, BABY BABY BABY BABY.

This doesn't seem to be the case for all. Myself and Sean included. Try as we might, wait and pray, patiently continue with our life, pray, wait some more, cry a little bit, watch friends have children, pray, cry some more because it's hard to be happy for them, buy baby clothes for everyone else, make baby quilts for friends, sobbing on my sweet husband's shoulder, but most of all keeping this quite as possible. People don't know what to say when your response to their question about when you'll have children is "o well we've been trying for over a year now still nothing" So keep that answer to yourself for sure. OR open your mouth, then start crying and wish you didn't say anything because that person responds "well waiting is good you need to get to know your husband, spend time with him, travel the world" Well.. we HAVEN'T been waiting thank you very much. SOMETHING IS NOT WORKING RIGHT. I wish I could yell that out and tell them how insensitive they are being. But really? Who understands this feeling of failure? Anger? Jealousy? No one, unless they have sat when I sit looking out at all the smiling mother's around me. Nope. "Stay strong", that's what they say. "Be patient", they say. "You'll be pregnant soon, I hear this daily". Daily for the last 635 days or the last 15,875hours, I have heard these things. Yet still, not pregnant, still not a mom, and still no end in site.

I've had enough, to say the VERY least. Sean and I started looking into adoption over the last month and finally found two agencies we're going to talk to. Also, we're going to do out 5th fertility treatment this month. I try to keep my excitement to a minimum just to keep the pain from being so bad.

VENT VENT VENT VENT VENT. that's all.

BUT besides all this, I am so thankful for Sean. He is my rock, my sweet sweet husband. The one who wipes away my tears. The man who, when he saw me crying over a negative pregnancy test for the first time, thought to tackle and wrestle me to the ground to make me feel better, I mean, come on, that's what his brothers did. I love Sean. My life really is good. But sometimes a girl's got to get it out!