meds?? o yeah. here we go again

Placed an order last Friday for our next set of meds for this treatment. It will be here tomorrow. It all starts again. Clomid first, then Bravell (the injections) and then the waiting.. O fun fun!. Not really. but seriously. We're doing it again. And we'll keep doing this till we have a little one on the way. It's hard to say "keep trying", but it would be even harder to say "stop, I'm done."

So... yes. We are in this for the long hall. Thanks family for the support. And for those close friends who are always there for us. This was a hard thing to keep to ourselves, it was really lonely. And I was so sick of people asking me when we were going to have kids. Sharing our story has lifted a burden. SO... yeah I might talk about personal things or things you don't care to hear... But this is our blog so that's fine.

Thanks again everyone for the prayers and the little notes. Sean and I appreciate it very much. It's helped us to know that people out there that care for us and are hoping with us for good things. We love you all.

kind words?? Maybe. Maybe not

Today Sean and I got news that devastated both of us. The last two years has been long and really hard. How patient have we already been? How much faith and trust did we and do we continue to put our Heavenly Father? Lots. I'll just say that much.
Please never tell someone who you really don't know much about to be patient. That should come from loved ones that are close and know the whole situation. Please never tell them "well, it's just not your time." Don't tell them to "relax and stop trying so hard." Probably when in doubt, don't say anything. You never know what is going on unless you're living in the situation or you have been there. Don't assume you "know" anything. Because most likely you know lots, but about other things. Words can sting so badly when a heart and soul are already hurting and struggling to keep a float. I know most words are to give encouragement and hope... but really? come on. Just probably keep it to yourself. In our situation, Sean and I are going through enough that you really don't need to ad to it.
For those of you who are just kindly there sharing love and hope and prayers for us we really appreciate it. This is not meant to come off as rude. but I figure that if I don't say something then I have no right to be frustrated. Thanks!

o boy.

No news is better news then the new we got today. No baby on the way for us.

almost...... there................

Ok.. so very VERY soon. Please please

Friday get here soon with REAL good news...

o goodness... o goodness... that's all. thanks. BYE

waiting............. sucks

So it's been a week and one day since our IUI and the waiting is by far the hardest part. I can't sleep at night. I cry and I just worry. Poor Sean. My sweet husband has put up with so much from me. The other night I think I cried for going on 2 hours... Two SOLID hours. And he just holds me.

This whole process has been overwhelming. I can honestly say that I never thought that this is what things would be like when I finally settled down with the man of my dreams. Get married, yes. Babies, yes. shots in my tummy? Nope. They were not in my plan. For nearly the last two years it's been an emotional roller coaster. I have a two year supply of pregnancy tests that I started refusing to use because I hated the feeling of a negative test. Anyways...

the waiting definitely sucks. Emotional, physically, spiritually.... I've been a mess. O goodness. I just want the waiting to be over and the good news to come rolling in. I want the DR to say... YES. YOU did it! you're pregnant... but I've still got almost a whole week.

This time next Friday could be going one of two ways... Lots of phone calls to our loved ones and much celebration and excitement. Or... well... the other one is not to happy. Lots of crying and despair and planning our next move. We shall see. I'm trying to prepare myself for it. Sean keeps joking that if it didn't work and I'm not pregnant he'll be staying with some friends for a few days... of course he'd never do that but it's his way of saying... I know you'll be a wreck. Ahhhhhhh o my. What will time bring??

No one but Heavenly Father knows... I put my trust in his hands.

hospital visit... got a little scare!

So Sean and I had to rush into the DR's office this morning. It started last night when I got a gut wrenching pain in my lower left side. It got so bad that I couldn't even walk. We were out at Walmart getting fabric for the baby bibs I will be making with my mother-in-law this weekend. As we shopped it got worse and worse. Finally, we checked out and headed home. I went in the house to lay down immediately. Of course I had been googling on my phone possible causes of this terrible pain. Nothing really explained it very well. So I called my DR's after hours phone line. They didn't get the call or the message till the following morning. BUT as soon as they got it, about 5:30am I got a worried call telling me to head in as soon as I could. So in we went! I barely had time to shower before we left. I was sick about it the whole way. The pain had lasted all night and into the morning. It did let up a little but I could still feel it, and I had been up most of the night in pain.
My DR was out for the day but I got to see one of the other DR's. He came in after the nurse had me up on the table and she had felt around on my tummy to see if she could see anything out of the ordinary. She went and got the DR (last time we were there she couldn't find my ovaries... so she didn't want to try again) and he came in and did the ultrasound. He first checked my right ovary for pain. I told him no. So he went onto the left side. He warned me before he did that if might hurt... Ah........... still feeling sick, I braced myself.......... Nothing. No pain or discomfort. Weird. He was however, very happy with that. I just didn't know what to think! He told me that if there was an infection there would have been severe pain. Also, while he was doing the ultrasound he showed me that my two big healthy eggs on my left side had definitely done their job! I guess the eggs leave behind fluid and the sack they grew in when they leave the ovary. Eggs are a cyst before they are an EGG! Crazy. I did not know that. He told me everything looked perfect.
He also said tomorrow is implantation day. Day six after ovulation is the day the egg implants in your uterus and you actually become pregnant... O gosh we're really hoping. Ah.. Hope. We'll know ten days if it worked. O how I hope it does! I want to have a little bundle of joy in my arms!
OK so the pain? It was cause by a twisted ovary. He said what happens is similar to when your arm falls asleep when you lay on it for to long and the blood flow is cut off. The DR told me it's really a common thing and about 90% of these fix themselves. The other 10% must be surgically corrected. He told me that I'll be sore for a few days while my ovary gets back to normal but that I'm fine. He wished us luck and then didn't charge us for the ultrasound! Great! Cause they're $200 every time... So that was a blessing!!!! THANK YOUUUUUU Dr! That's all. I'm pretty tired heading to bed. Thanks again for the prayers and support! We're very thankful to you all!

iui DONE

So this morning we went in and dropped off our stuff. They clean them and prep them to enter the uterus. So we had an hour to run around and kill time until it was ready to go.

We dropped the stuff off at 9:45 this morning. So at 10:30 we headed back on in. We waited a little while and then were shown into the room where we had done all our ultrasounds. As instructed I hoped up onto the bed ready to have the work done. Sean and I waited... and waited... and waited for the Nurse to come back in.

Finally there she was. It was our TURN! (it really was only like 3 minutes but of course when your really anxious it seems like forEVER). She popped her head in and in her hand was a cathidure with our names on it, they wanted to make sure it was going into the right body... It was our and we were ready!

The procedure is called an IUI. Intrauterine Insemination. Sounds fun huh?? Don't let anyone fool you. It's not. Not fun at all. But it was the highlight of my day. The process was fast, it only took her like 8 minutes to get it all done. After that I just got to lay there for about 15 minutes with my hips elevated while Sean and I talked about having babies... I am so excited but extremely nervous. We just really want this to work. For it to finally happen for us.

After Sean took me home to rest for the day. OF course I made a few calls after, my mom, my dad, Sean's mom and that was it. Now the waiting starts. I went home and slept with my hips up till abut 4pm today. When I woke up?? Ah so much pain. Cramping (which i'm told is the ovulation actually taking place) and then lots of pressure on my girl parts and all of that. I did get called into work so I went in and let me tell you... sitting?? Not my thing right now. Nope. NO THANK YOU. The car ride itself was torture and then sitting on my chair at the office?? OUCH. O well. I only had to work from 6:45 to 8pm so I was out of there in no time. Now i'm hope. Relaxing. Thinking about babies... Doing my darndest to get pregnant... Thinking lots of baby thoughts... and baby this... and baby that... then I get sick to my tummy... I worry. The not knowing is awful. The worst part. But we both have hope. Which is more then I can say for us just a couple months ago. Sean had all the hope and I had none. So Yeah! We're full of hope and faith that this will work for us. We'll know on the 29th.... two weeks from tomorrow.... o my.... Wish us luck!!!

Again thank you everyone for keeping us in your prayers... It means so so much to us. We love you all.

today has finally arrived....

Sean and I are getting ready to head into the Doctor's office this morning. He's got a cup to fill up first... And then... They'll process it and get it all ready for me. THEN it's my time to focus and concentrate on making my body do it's job. We shall see we shall see!

I stumbled on this cartoon.... O my goodness. Funny. Maybe JUST maybe she'll fall for him!!!!!! That's what we're hoping for!!!

Boom. Done. YEAH!

Go team! So we got really good news today. The best yet by far. We're READY! We've got two eggs from the left ovary. One measures 25 and the other 21, which is great. They were trying to get us to 18. I was a little worried at how big they were but they said "No need to worry they're perfect!" And... So I just did my very last injection! It ended up totalling six and not three like we originally were thinking. But it's so fine and we have to happy and healthy eggs ready to meet their love.... And make us a baby!

We've scheduled our IUI for tomorrow morning at 10:30 am. And it can't get here fast enough... The shot I did today was to trigger ovulation so the eggs can start that fateful journey. We're really hoping for this to work and we'll know about two weeks from tomorrow if it did the trick. Of course there is a large chance it won't work there is still a really good chance it will. So if it doesn't we'll be doing this whole thing over again next month and every month after that till we get it right.
Neither of us can wait to be told we're expecting but I guess we'll just have to! But at least we know we have an good of a chance as anyone else. That's what we're holding onto. And the constant prayers and well wishes from those around us. We appreciate the support offered by everyone. It makes this really challenging time in our life just a little easier. The time of truth will be here soon... We shall see!!!!!

tomorrow... tomorrow... TOMORROW!

So... like I said we have a full size egg and one right behind. I'm getting ready to do my shot for that last little bit of growth on that second egg tonight.... Then tomorrow we'll be getting our trigger shot!!! And by getting it I mean I'm giving it to myself and then 24 hours after it will be procedure time! Yeah yeah! o goodness. we go in for an ultrasound in the morning to see what time exactly we'll do the trigger HCG shot. ooooooo this is going to be a good week. i've been all smiles the last two weeks. I've been asked twice if I was pregnant because they said I was glowing... Sadly I can't say "Yes" yet... but SOON! I hope.. I hope... I hope....

Sean and I have talked about baby names so many times... NEVER able to come to an agreement on any boy names. Girl names? Yes. Boy names NO. and finally today we decided on 2 names... GREAT! Not telling yet... Will tell soon... well... when we're finally pregnant... O goodness.... I can't really focus at work or at home.. I can't sleep because I'm so excited to know. O my... to try this IUI thing... O my. Can't wait for tomorrow.

and for Egg number one!!!!!!

So today we went in and got great news!! I have one that is PERFECT size, and one more that is just a little smaller. They gave me the choice of doing another shot and we're going to go ahead and do one more injection tomorrow night and then we'll have two. We'll get to do out procedure this week! Wednesday or Thursday... So we can't wait. YEAH YEAH! We're both really excited. Then we just have to wait and see what happens. So we're praying real hard and got everything crossed. Let's get it done! We'll know about two weeks from the day we do the IUI if it worked. So... here's to tipped uterus' and hidden ovaries and the nurses who look so hard to find them and our eggs! Wish us luck!

Shots? What shots!

I'm a pro by now. No sick feeling. Juts get my tummy ready do my thing and it's done. I have to say I'm proud of myself... Usually I wouldn't say that. But come on?? My good friend Tonja and I were talking via text messaging yesterday, and she said I could probably open my own practice by now I'm basically a DR. Kidding. But seriously.

Anyways, it was interesting as I was getting ready to do my shot, I was actually really excited. I couldn't wait. Sean said it's because I know it's working. And that makes lots of sense to me. I have hope. A deep hope for this outcome to be a good one. And to be completely honest, I haven't had that for a long while. It's a good feeling to have. I'm looking forward to tonight when I do my last growth shot and then tomorrow morning I go in to the DR and see what's what! Sean and I will be up in Farmington tonight so we'll see how it goes doing this in no privacy at all :-)

I have to say thanks for all the encouraging posts. It makes this feel not so heavy to be able to share this burden. I really do appreciate all the thoughts and prayers said on mine and Sean's behalf. We appreciate it so much. We'll owe you all when we finally do get pregnant!

Eggs please!

Today....

drum roll please...................

Went really well. It wasn't perfect BUT we got good news. We have two large eggs that just need a little more help and then they'll be ready!! I have 3 sets of shots left now. Tonight a growth one, and Sunday night another one. Then Monday I go in again to see how big they are and depending on that we'll go to the next step and the final shot!! I can't believe it. After five treatments, 3 doctors we finally have a place that is doing it right! We'll be doing our IUI treatment next week as soon as we get the go ahead! We can't wait. This was a good day.


I have been nothing but smiles all day. Sean loves it, and he keeps saying he can't imagine what it will be like when we finally do get a positive pregnancy test! Hopefull in a couple weeks!!!

Ultrasound?

In the morning is the big moment we've been working towards... We shall see if anything has come of the injections I've been giving myself. I go in to see if there are any eggs worth doing some magic with. (Cause magic is what it's going to take) Fingers, toes, legs, arms EVERYTHING is crossed. There are four possible outcomes for tomorrow.
First, we could have a couple or a few healthy eggs ready for an HCG shot so we can get an IUI treatment done in the next few days. (This is the one we're REALLY hoping for)
Or, there could be not enough growth yet on those eggs to need the HCG shot. So... that would mean for me more injections before that special shot, in hopes that my eggs will get big enough.
Next, nothing. This treatment may have done nothing for me at all. If this is the case we'll have to start looking at more options. No idea what we'd do.
Fourth? We could have way to many eggs to do the procedure safely. I don't want to end up like the octomom. No we won't be having a litter of babies. Twins? Great. We'd LOVE that. Triplets? I don't know what we'd do or how they would fit in my tummy. But NO more then that. So we shall see what tomorrow morning brings!! This could be a BIG BIG day for us. So now? Let us pray.

Needle?? who cares!

Here are a few images of what it looked like... Well kind of. OK, let me tell you exactly how it happened. I waited. All day. Went to work and then went to dinner with Sean. Then came home. I had to wait for 48 hours and to it at the same time as we did last time. So, finally 11:30pm rolls around. Great. I'm sick already and I haven't even gotten the needles out of the fridge. This is gonna be good. I'm just sure of it. Here we go again, icing my tummy, cleaning my tummy, the mixing the stuff to inject myself with. Then filling the syringe.. and emptying it... then filling it and getting so many air pockets in it.. so pushing it all back into the container. Great. My tummy is no longer numb. So the ice goes back on. Here I've got Sean holding the ice on my tummy while I make sure I've gotten rid of all the problem bubbles. Ok. Here goes nothing. Ready to stick myself. IN THE TUMMY. (i couldn't find any pictures of that) And right after I stick the needle in and right before I inject the stuff I see a HUGE air bubble that got in there because I didn't hold the syringe tube at tight as I should have and it moved. Great. Out comes the needle. Again. I'll have to do it again!?? Crap. But i know for a fact that the air bubbles are bad! Finally I get it right. And the needle goes in. I injected the meds. "Great job Lauren, you're so brave!" I find myself saying in my brain over and over again. It was so much easier tonight. It did bleed tonight whereas last night it did not. But the plus about that was I knew where to put the band aid! (unlike last time... we just guessed) Of course I got a little sick... Felt light headed and had to lay down and the area is sore. BUT I did not throw up. I feel very proud of myself. I've come a very long ways from when I had to go give blood over two years ago to see what, if anything, was wrong. Now I'm the one doing the dirty work. In fact for this experience I paid quite a bit of money! And I'm still paying! But I did it. And Sean is so proud of me and my support system is a good one. I've been very blessed.

One down... not sure how many left to go

Today was my first injection day. I'd say it went smoothly, but not without it's bumps. I worked all day and of course took the time to think of how awful it will actually be to stick myself with a needle. Great. I was nervous all day. Then, I had a work dinner. Yes. Where you sit around with people you work with and usually only talk about work to... TRY and think of fun things to say... All the while, I was worrying about the needles waiting for me at my house. Du Du dun...

So I go home, slip into something a little more comfortable to give myself a shot in. I don't think there is such a thing. But I went for sweat pants and a loose cotton T. It just felt right. I went and retrieved my box of meds from our refrigerator where they take up a whole shelf and serve to remind me we're buying meds instead of food because we can't buy both. So... there is meds and meds alone in that fridge. Just kidding. But seriously.

I put my box out on the table and start unpacking all the junk to get it together. First, find the needles and put them as far from myself as possible. Next, get the meds out of their container. Then, panic a little and finally regain control. Fourth, I iced my tummy. Sean said to numb it by putting ice on one spot for a long time. That surely will take away any sting. It however did not numb the mental process and emotional effect that this would have. SO continue icing my tummy.... Just in shock still of what I'm about to do. Then clean the area. Here goes nothing. Mixing the injections and then sticking myself. At first I didn't push hard enough to break the skin... And i forgot to pinch that area of skin like they told me. Holy crap. The needle is entering my stomach. Holy crap. it's in. QUICK PANIC... now what?? o yeah... put the crap in my belly... that was the worst part. Squeezing it right into myself didn't feel real good. And there is a little hard spot on my tummy where I did it. But I did it. Yes. GREAT GREAT!

That's right before I passed out then woke up making a mad dash for the bathroom so I could throw up my $30 work dinner in my toilet. All the while my husband and my puppy were both hovering over me. Quickly I kicked them out and regurgitated the rest of my food in peace. Now my teeth are brushed and my face is washed and i have a cute little baby band aid on my belly. I can't believe I did that!!!! Me, Lauren Stewart, who has been terrified of needles my whole life, just stuck a needle into my tummy ALL BY MYSELF! And I feel great. It was scary and made my body really mad but I did it. Baby BABY here we come!!!

Shot class?

Hello there DR. Long time no see. O wait.. Ha not true. I saw you last week. O and the week before that. Well, since we're hanging out now, about once a week I would say we're closer then some of my best friends that I've had my whole life. AND you know more about my body. HAAAAAA. Kidding. Well, kind of.
Today I went to the DR to have blood work done and to have a shot class... They taught me how to stick myself with needles. Well, they actually taught me how to stick a rubber ball with needles. I'm sure it will be a little different.
For example, when I stick myself, I'll say "Now Lauren this is going to sting a little but only for a second" I wouldn't say that to the ball.. I might also say "O you're being so brave! You really are!" but definitely not to the ball. o my goodness. I'm also supposed to wipe the ball, o I mean tummy clean before I poke it. O my. what if I get them mixed up and wipe my tummy then poke the rubber ball? holy smokes.... Are they really trusting me with this??? o crap.
We shall see. I have 5 days to prepare myself mentally before I begin the injections. I'm starting to get exited... More and more. Still a little hard because nothing is for sure, well, one thing is for sure. I want to be a mommy, and Sean needs to be a daddy. That's what he was born for. He's such a natural with them. And for some reason, they can't get enough of him. To adults? He's intimidating I've heard people say things like "Did you see Lauren's husband? He's huge. He scared the crap out of me." or "Wow either you're a soldier or you should be" as they take a step back. But not little kids. Nope. They run to him with no fear expecting to be thrown, tickled and chased. He plays into their games, having just as much IF NOT MORE fun then they do.
Yes. Of that I am certain. Sean is supposed to be a daddy. I've got my fingers crossed, said my prayers. Called all my extended family (well I didn't, I know for a fact telling the mom's is always enough, I LOVE YOU BOTH) and now we wait.

needles? then... MORE needles?

So my package of medication for this whole process arrived last night... Yes I knew I would be giving myself injections. I did not know that I would be doing more then two. There were 12 LARGE needles in the box.. AND boy did I about have a fit. I couldn't sleep last night. I really don't know how on earth I'll be able to give myself these shots. And as badly as I would like Sean to take that responsibility from me... There's no way. Nope. Ah... so no sleep last night. I really am worried. I know a tiny bundle of joy could very possibly be waiting for me on the other side of those HUGE needles... o my... HAAAAAA I think I can.. I think I can... I think I can... We shall see.

Meds and emotions.................

Today I ordered the medication I'll be taking over the next few weeks. Each thing added up and the price on it was shocking. But Sean kept reminding me that it is worth the bundle of joy we are hoping to have. (Or perhaps 2 bundles of joy...) OF course i agree.

The package is scheduled to arrive at our home this coming Tuesday. I was able to get part of it here in town, but the rest must be mailed. Over the course of the next few weeks I'll be doing things I NEVER thought I would be. The one thing that makes me nervous (so far) are the injections... They are self administered. Ah.......... If anyone has ever heard me talk about the DR they would understand (probably my mother knows best about this) I used to hide under the chairs in the Dr's office to try and avoid getting shots... I got slapped by a nurse on the day I was starting 6th grade... And I watched 5 nurses hold my baby brother down to give him shots and watched him limps for over a week... I've never been fond of needles. BUT I'll be giving them to myself RIGHT in the gut... o my.. help! Sean for sure can't do them! I would be mad at him for sticking me with a needle... and that's not fair! SO he will be out of the room when that happens for sure.

HOT flashes?? Of course I can't be scared of this but I HATE them. The fertility drug I take first causes these REAL bad for over a month (if I'm remembering correctly) And o I hate that.. night sweats and stripping in my sleep.. O and throwing the covers ALL the way off the bed and being irritable. O goodness. :-) Emotional roller coaster here i come!!! O please o please Sean... be patient with me... OK you are... I know you will be... How did I find someone so understanding?? O my... He got the short end of the stick with me it seems but I SCORED!

Sorry if these posts make you feel sad for me or if I sound angry. It's just been so long I have to let it out. That's all. NO biggie. And we shall see!!! perhaps we'll have a HAPPY HAPPY ending!!!!

Trying harder... hope?

Over the last 2 years Sean and I have undergone 4 fertility treatments. And... well, here we go again. We have started adoption papers but also have met with a specialist. We have started our treatments for trying to help us get pregnant all over again. We're hoping that they pay off before they make us go broke. This is an expensive thing. But the outcome should be a good one, or so we've been told.
As we were meeting with Kristin, our new DR yesterday Sean and I both felt out hope picking up and getting stronger. He has always been stronger than I am, but I found his hope to be contagious and I couldn't help but get excited. I have found shielding myself from the thought that it's actually going to happen for us has been a much better way to go on with my days. I get too excited to sadness when it turns out to be false is unbearable. And poor Sean.. O my. Having to deal with me. He is a VERY strong man. But yesterday, I found my hope at levels not seen for a long time for me. We've picked out a crib and some really perfect names... And the thoughts of twins keeps coming into my mind. Sean did however tell me not to get greedy. O well. I can't help it. I am a little greedy, my reply was "I've waited long enough to entitle myself to a little greed" (which we both knew was not true)
Hope... We've got some!! And every day I'm getting more. Kristin, helped us understand everything he was planning for us. We feel prepared to take the next steps with confidence. We shall see, we shall see!

Waiting and Waiting

This coming November, Sean and I will have been married for two years. Over all the time has been great. We love one another and consider ourselves so lucky to have found each other. But there is one thing we're missing, ont thing we are dying to have.

The typical marriage in Utah goes as follows: Marriage (after short months of dating) Honeymoon, BABY, school, BABY, graduation, BABY BABY BABY BABY.

This doesn't seem to be the case for all. Myself and Sean included. Try as we might, wait and pray, patiently continue with our life, pray, wait some more, cry a little bit, watch friends have children, pray, cry some more because it's hard to be happy for them, buy baby clothes for everyone else, make baby quilts for friends, sobbing on my sweet husband's shoulder, but most of all keeping this quite as possible. People don't know what to say when your response to their question about when you'll have children is "o well we've been trying for over a year now still nothing" So keep that answer to yourself for sure. OR open your mouth, then start crying and wish you didn't say anything because that person responds "well waiting is good you need to get to know your husband, spend time with him, travel the world" Well.. we HAVEN'T been waiting thank you very much. SOMETHING IS NOT WORKING RIGHT. I wish I could yell that out and tell them how insensitive they are being. But really? Who understands this feeling of failure? Anger? Jealousy? No one, unless they have sat when I sit looking out at all the smiling mother's around me. Nope. "Stay strong", that's what they say. "Be patient", they say. "You'll be pregnant soon, I hear this daily". Daily for the last 635 days or the last 15,875hours, I have heard these things. Yet still, not pregnant, still not a mom, and still no end in site.

I've had enough, to say the VERY least. Sean and I started looking into adoption over the last month and finally found two agencies we're going to talk to. Also, we're going to do out 5th fertility treatment this month. I try to keep my excitement to a minimum just to keep the pain from being so bad.

VENT VENT VENT VENT VENT. that's all.

BUT besides all this, I am so thankful for Sean. He is my rock, my sweet sweet husband. The one who wipes away my tears. The man who, when he saw me crying over a negative pregnancy test for the first time, thought to tackle and wrestle me to the ground to make me feel better, I mean, come on, that's what his brothers did. I love Sean. My life really is good. But sometimes a girl's got to get it out!

Dear Sean,

while you're away I'll try to stay busy.
while you're gone I'll try not to cry,
That's all.

Dear Sean,

Today was a long day for me. I got up early (well I guess if you consider I wasn't really sleeping at all it wasn't getting up) and I had to be at work by 7. I waited for your text or call. Boy was that awful. And finally there it was. "I love you Lauren. I miss you" right on my phone. Great. Now the tears start at work, and it won't be the last time. By the end of the day I will have broke out into full tears more the 3 times. The day's going by really slow and I'm ready to go home and see our little boy. He makes me not so lonely and with how happy he is to see me when I get home its hard not to smile and thank my Heavenly Father for his little light that he's put in my life.
I have been doing things I've never done before, things you usually do. I went and put the electricity in our names today... It doesn't sound very hard but it turned out to be a LONG process. I guess it would have helped if I had the right address and went to the right place the first try. Finally when that was done I headed up to Farmington for Kayla's graduation. It was fun to see her in her cap and gown. It was just your mom and dad, meg and I and also your mom's parents there. She would have liked for you to be there.
After that I started the drive home that should have only taken me an hour. Well it turned into two hours when they shut all but one lane down on the freeway. Ahhhhh... And again I cried in the car. Why do I keep thinking about you?? I know it will just make me cry.

BUT besides all of that I can't help but be so proud of you. Not many men can put their faith in the Lord and put aside all physical roadblocks and run through the pain and do what you did to get offered the chance to go to OCS this summer. Yes I am proud of you. And yes it will only be 10 weeks. But yes, I'm still sad. and Yes this is a hard thing we're doing.

I love you and I miss you. And I can't wait to talk to you in 3 weeks. You are my wonderful husband, my sweetie pie and my love. I can't believe how much I miss you. I didn't know this kind of emotion could be so strong for me. I love you all the whole day. I miss you cute boy.

Love,
your wife.

Family Pictures!!

Thank You Erica! They are Beautiful!

Our trip to California!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Sean and I were able to go and visit my family out in their home in Arcata, CA. And o boy what a fun week that was!! We started our trip out there on Saturday evening and slept in Winnamecca... we needed the sleep. So not too early in the morning we got up and continued our trip. We did have a little bit of a more interesting drive because it was not only Sean and I we had our 4 month old puppy, Rush with us as well. Surprisingly he does GREAT in the car. I was amazed. Finally Sunday evening we rolled into their driveway and got out to hug and kiss my family!!! It was such a good feeling, COMING HOME. It's been quite a while since we made that trip (since before we got married) so it was long over due.
We went hunting, camping, 4-wheeling and hiking in the beautiful mountains of Northern California. It was a much needed vacation. My family is all doing really well so that was good to see. My mom did have a pretty major surgery the Monday morning we left to drive back home. Everything went well with that so we were all really thankful.
Anyways.. I just love my family. That's all.

look at our new little BOY!!

And we called him Rush.....