Waiting and Waiting

This coming November, Sean and I will have been married for two years. Over all the time has been great. We love one another and consider ourselves so lucky to have found each other. But there is one thing we're missing, ont thing we are dying to have.

The typical marriage in Utah goes as follows: Marriage (after short months of dating) Honeymoon, BABY, school, BABY, graduation, BABY BABY BABY BABY.

This doesn't seem to be the case for all. Myself and Sean included. Try as we might, wait and pray, patiently continue with our life, pray, wait some more, cry a little bit, watch friends have children, pray, cry some more because it's hard to be happy for them, buy baby clothes for everyone else, make baby quilts for friends, sobbing on my sweet husband's shoulder, but most of all keeping this quite as possible. People don't know what to say when your response to their question about when you'll have children is "o well we've been trying for over a year now still nothing" So keep that answer to yourself for sure. OR open your mouth, then start crying and wish you didn't say anything because that person responds "well waiting is good you need to get to know your husband, spend time with him, travel the world" Well.. we HAVEN'T been waiting thank you very much. SOMETHING IS NOT WORKING RIGHT. I wish I could yell that out and tell them how insensitive they are being. But really? Who understands this feeling of failure? Anger? Jealousy? No one, unless they have sat when I sit looking out at all the smiling mother's around me. Nope. "Stay strong", that's what they say. "Be patient", they say. "You'll be pregnant soon, I hear this daily". Daily for the last 635 days or the last 15,875hours, I have heard these things. Yet still, not pregnant, still not a mom, and still no end in site.

I've had enough, to say the VERY least. Sean and I started looking into adoption over the last month and finally found two agencies we're going to talk to. Also, we're going to do out 5th fertility treatment this month. I try to keep my excitement to a minimum just to keep the pain from being so bad.

VENT VENT VENT VENT VENT. that's all.

BUT besides all this, I am so thankful for Sean. He is my rock, my sweet sweet husband. The one who wipes away my tears. The man who, when he saw me crying over a negative pregnancy test for the first time, thought to tackle and wrestle me to the ground to make me feel better, I mean, come on, that's what his brothers did. I love Sean. My life really is good. But sometimes a girl's got to get it out!