it's enough

I try and pay attention at church.. I really do. But when the baby is tossing his cookies all over me and I'm trying to dodge the throw up and he's pulling my hair out with all his little guy mite.. It's a little hard. BUT I did manage to pay attention in my favorite hour of church today. Relief Society. I love sitting together with a bunch of women (i'd prefer to know them a little better just so I can say I have friends there but soon I'm sure) and hearing that their lives are similar to mine. OF course not all mom's experience the same but they love the same and wish for the best for their little ones. They strive to be honest and to learn from their mistakes. It's comforting to hear others talk of trials, that they are willing to share so I might be able to learn from them is such a blessing. Of course I don't catch everything because i'm running out to change my son's blowout and get the throw up out of my hair. BUT what I managed to hear was just what i needed.

Sure, it's hard to think about some of the things I have struggled with and know I will always struggle with... Pride.. I don't want to have to rely on anyone else to help with my happiness... but of course when I admit that i'm Prideful.. the Lord has a way of reminding me that I need him. And I need the ladies in my life to be there to talk to and to have friends.. I need them too. And Drs... for so many things i need them.. And my husband. I couldn't continue my daily life and routine without him. As much as I act like I'm Ms. Independent I'm not. (but in a good way)

Faith. I like to think my faith can move mountains.. but I've never actually moved a mountain. Sure.. I packed up my stuff one day on a feeling.. (The story is pretty remarkable actually. I'll have to share it one day) and moved to Utah and met my husband the day I got here. He was the first person I met. Literally. I moved here to meet him I know that.. Sure for months and months I injected myself with steroids, all the while gaining weight and just HOPING for faith to have a baby, But still.

Hope. that is something I know somedays i'm in short supply of. Not as much now as before.. But I remember praying everyday to have hope that i might someday have a child. A little bundle of joy all my own. But I didn't really believe it. It took a lot of time on my knees for it to hit me that I was supposed to be a mom.

Patience.. hmmm Yep. that's in short supply sometimes. But i guess the fact that I'm still alive and so is Sean says I have some.. and for now thats enough.

I guess today what I was reminded of was actually that "it's enough" it's enough to try my hardest and still fail sometimes. I learn more that way. "It's enough" to pray, hoping the faith and hope will come, as long as I'm still praying. "It's enough" to move a metaphorical mountain and not a real one. "it's enough" that I made the leap and I'm still falling... As long as I know SOMEDAY he will catch me with one of his angels. I guess "it's enough" to know I'm not the perfect mother for every baby but when I see Chase, and he stops crying just because he sees me, or hears my humming or singing, I know right now? I'm the perfect mother for him. I guess even when I don't think I'M enough.. "it's enough" I'll keep trying.