Shot class?

Hello there DR. Long time no see. O wait.. Ha not true. I saw you last week. O and the week before that. Well, since we're hanging out now, about once a week I would say we're closer then some of my best friends that I've had my whole life. AND you know more about my body. HAAAAAA. Kidding. Well, kind of.
Today I went to the DR to have blood work done and to have a shot class... They taught me how to stick myself with needles. Well, they actually taught me how to stick a rubber ball with needles. I'm sure it will be a little different.
For example, when I stick myself, I'll say "Now Lauren this is going to sting a little but only for a second" I wouldn't say that to the ball.. I might also say "O you're being so brave! You really are!" but definitely not to the ball. o my goodness. I'm also supposed to wipe the ball, o I mean tummy clean before I poke it. O my. what if I get them mixed up and wipe my tummy then poke the rubber ball? holy smokes.... Are they really trusting me with this??? o crap.
We shall see. I have 5 days to prepare myself mentally before I begin the injections. I'm starting to get exited... More and more. Still a little hard because nothing is for sure, well, one thing is for sure. I want to be a mommy, and Sean needs to be a daddy. That's what he was born for. He's such a natural with them. And for some reason, they can't get enough of him. To adults? He's intimidating I've heard people say things like "Did you see Lauren's husband? He's huge. He scared the crap out of me." or "Wow either you're a soldier or you should be" as they take a step back. But not little kids. Nope. They run to him with no fear expecting to be thrown, tickled and chased. He plays into their games, having just as much IF NOT MORE fun then they do.
Yes. Of that I am certain. Sean is supposed to be a daddy. I've got my fingers crossed, said my prayers. Called all my extended family (well I didn't, I know for a fact telling the mom's is always enough, I LOVE YOU BOTH) and now we wait.

needles? then... MORE needles?

So my package of medication for this whole process arrived last night... Yes I knew I would be giving myself injections. I did not know that I would be doing more then two. There were 12 LARGE needles in the box.. AND boy did I about have a fit. I couldn't sleep last night. I really don't know how on earth I'll be able to give myself these shots. And as badly as I would like Sean to take that responsibility from me... There's no way. Nope. Ah... so no sleep last night. I really am worried. I know a tiny bundle of joy could very possibly be waiting for me on the other side of those HUGE needles... o my... HAAAAAA I think I can.. I think I can... I think I can... We shall see.

Meds and emotions.................

Today I ordered the medication I'll be taking over the next few weeks. Each thing added up and the price on it was shocking. But Sean kept reminding me that it is worth the bundle of joy we are hoping to have. (Or perhaps 2 bundles of joy...) OF course i agree.

The package is scheduled to arrive at our home this coming Tuesday. I was able to get part of it here in town, but the rest must be mailed. Over the course of the next few weeks I'll be doing things I NEVER thought I would be. The one thing that makes me nervous (so far) are the injections... They are self administered. Ah.......... If anyone has ever heard me talk about the DR they would understand (probably my mother knows best about this) I used to hide under the chairs in the Dr's office to try and avoid getting shots... I got slapped by a nurse on the day I was starting 6th grade... And I watched 5 nurses hold my baby brother down to give him shots and watched him limps for over a week... I've never been fond of needles. BUT I'll be giving them to myself RIGHT in the gut... o my.. help! Sean for sure can't do them! I would be mad at him for sticking me with a needle... and that's not fair! SO he will be out of the room when that happens for sure.

HOT flashes?? Of course I can't be scared of this but I HATE them. The fertility drug I take first causes these REAL bad for over a month (if I'm remembering correctly) And o I hate that.. night sweats and stripping in my sleep.. O and throwing the covers ALL the way off the bed and being irritable. O goodness. :-) Emotional roller coaster here i come!!! O please o please Sean... be patient with me... OK you are... I know you will be... How did I find someone so understanding?? O my... He got the short end of the stick with me it seems but I SCORED!

Sorry if these posts make you feel sad for me or if I sound angry. It's just been so long I have to let it out. That's all. NO biggie. And we shall see!!! perhaps we'll have a HAPPY HAPPY ending!!!!

Trying harder... hope?

Over the last 2 years Sean and I have undergone 4 fertility treatments. And... well, here we go again. We have started adoption papers but also have met with a specialist. We have started our treatments for trying to help us get pregnant all over again. We're hoping that they pay off before they make us go broke. This is an expensive thing. But the outcome should be a good one, or so we've been told.
As we were meeting with Kristin, our new DR yesterday Sean and I both felt out hope picking up and getting stronger. He has always been stronger than I am, but I found his hope to be contagious and I couldn't help but get excited. I have found shielding myself from the thought that it's actually going to happen for us has been a much better way to go on with my days. I get too excited to sadness when it turns out to be false is unbearable. And poor Sean.. O my. Having to deal with me. He is a VERY strong man. But yesterday, I found my hope at levels not seen for a long time for me. We've picked out a crib and some really perfect names... And the thoughts of twins keeps coming into my mind. Sean did however tell me not to get greedy. O well. I can't help it. I am a little greedy, my reply was "I've waited long enough to entitle myself to a little greed" (which we both knew was not true)
Hope... We've got some!! And every day I'm getting more. Kristin, helped us understand everything he was planning for us. We feel prepared to take the next steps with confidence. We shall see, we shall see!

Waiting and Waiting

This coming November, Sean and I will have been married for two years. Over all the time has been great. We love one another and consider ourselves so lucky to have found each other. But there is one thing we're missing, ont thing we are dying to have.

The typical marriage in Utah goes as follows: Marriage (after short months of dating) Honeymoon, BABY, school, BABY, graduation, BABY BABY BABY BABY.

This doesn't seem to be the case for all. Myself and Sean included. Try as we might, wait and pray, patiently continue with our life, pray, wait some more, cry a little bit, watch friends have children, pray, cry some more because it's hard to be happy for them, buy baby clothes for everyone else, make baby quilts for friends, sobbing on my sweet husband's shoulder, but most of all keeping this quite as possible. People don't know what to say when your response to their question about when you'll have children is "o well we've been trying for over a year now still nothing" So keep that answer to yourself for sure. OR open your mouth, then start crying and wish you didn't say anything because that person responds "well waiting is good you need to get to know your husband, spend time with him, travel the world" Well.. we HAVEN'T been waiting thank you very much. SOMETHING IS NOT WORKING RIGHT. I wish I could yell that out and tell them how insensitive they are being. But really? Who understands this feeling of failure? Anger? Jealousy? No one, unless they have sat when I sit looking out at all the smiling mother's around me. Nope. "Stay strong", that's what they say. "Be patient", they say. "You'll be pregnant soon, I hear this daily". Daily for the last 635 days or the last 15,875hours, I have heard these things. Yet still, not pregnant, still not a mom, and still no end in site.

I've had enough, to say the VERY least. Sean and I started looking into adoption over the last month and finally found two agencies we're going to talk to. Also, we're going to do out 5th fertility treatment this month. I try to keep my excitement to a minimum just to keep the pain from being so bad.

VENT VENT VENT VENT VENT. that's all.

BUT besides all this, I am so thankful for Sean. He is my rock, my sweet sweet husband. The one who wipes away my tears. The man who, when he saw me crying over a negative pregnancy test for the first time, thought to tackle and wrestle me to the ground to make me feel better, I mean, come on, that's what his brothers did. I love Sean. My life really is good. But sometimes a girl's got to get it out!

Dear Sean,

while you're away I'll try to stay busy.
while you're gone I'll try not to cry,
That's all.

Dear Sean,

Today was a long day for me. I got up early (well I guess if you consider I wasn't really sleeping at all it wasn't getting up) and I had to be at work by 7. I waited for your text or call. Boy was that awful. And finally there it was. "I love you Lauren. I miss you" right on my phone. Great. Now the tears start at work, and it won't be the last time. By the end of the day I will have broke out into full tears more the 3 times. The day's going by really slow and I'm ready to go home and see our little boy. He makes me not so lonely and with how happy he is to see me when I get home its hard not to smile and thank my Heavenly Father for his little light that he's put in my life.
I have been doing things I've never done before, things you usually do. I went and put the electricity in our names today... It doesn't sound very hard but it turned out to be a LONG process. I guess it would have helped if I had the right address and went to the right place the first try. Finally when that was done I headed up to Farmington for Kayla's graduation. It was fun to see her in her cap and gown. It was just your mom and dad, meg and I and also your mom's parents there. She would have liked for you to be there.
After that I started the drive home that should have only taken me an hour. Well it turned into two hours when they shut all but one lane down on the freeway. Ahhhhh... And again I cried in the car. Why do I keep thinking about you?? I know it will just make me cry.

BUT besides all of that I can't help but be so proud of you. Not many men can put their faith in the Lord and put aside all physical roadblocks and run through the pain and do what you did to get offered the chance to go to OCS this summer. Yes I am proud of you. And yes it will only be 10 weeks. But yes, I'm still sad. and Yes this is a hard thing we're doing.

I love you and I miss you. And I can't wait to talk to you in 3 weeks. You are my wonderful husband, my sweetie pie and my love. I can't believe how much I miss you. I didn't know this kind of emotion could be so strong for me. I love you all the whole day. I miss you cute boy.

Love,
your wife.

Family Pictures!!

Thank You Erica! They are Beautiful!

Our trip to California!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Sean and I were able to go and visit my family out in their home in Arcata, CA. And o boy what a fun week that was!! We started our trip out there on Saturday evening and slept in Winnamecca... we needed the sleep. So not too early in the morning we got up and continued our trip. We did have a little bit of a more interesting drive because it was not only Sean and I we had our 4 month old puppy, Rush with us as well. Surprisingly he does GREAT in the car. I was amazed. Finally Sunday evening we rolled into their driveway and got out to hug and kiss my family!!! It was such a good feeling, COMING HOME. It's been quite a while since we made that trip (since before we got married) so it was long over due.
We went hunting, camping, 4-wheeling and hiking in the beautiful mountains of Northern California. It was a much needed vacation. My family is all doing really well so that was good to see. My mom did have a pretty major surgery the Monday morning we left to drive back home. Everything went well with that so we were all really thankful.
Anyways.. I just love my family. That's all.

look at our new little BOY!!

And we called him Rush.....

I'm the PROUD wife of soon to be Marine JAG officer!

I LOVE MY HUSBAND. I have since he opened his mouth to talk to me. But little did I know how hard of a worker he would be, how patient he is, how kind hearted and loving. I am a very lucky little girl. We had bee waiting to hear back for quite a while... BUT as of now Sean was extended an offer to go to the Marine OCS training this summer. Its officer's boot camp... TO see it he's got what it takes to lead future Marines. He won't ever see the battlefield, but he will be in a courtroom defending out troops. I can't say if I've ever been so proud to be his wife. Even though I thought I was. I love him. He's my MAN!

first pictures from the nwe year!

hmmm just starting the new year??

Well guess it looks like we missed all of January. No posts about starting new and beginning again. But I will post about the additions to our family this month!! We just got six of them and we love them. And here they are!!!!

King Triton (the boss Angel fish)

The Three Stooges! (crazy little Albinos!)Mrs Kelly, the BEAUTIFUL BettaNickleback, the TINY angle fishAnd here is there home inside our home. This is Sean's Pirate ship. Don't worry we'll have gold in here soon tooHome....

We've really been enjoying these little guys. Watching the dynamics of the tank has been pretty interesting. I won't tell you how much time we've spent just sitting in front of the tank the last two days. BUT we've seen many things.... Lots of stories to follow...

our Christmas time pictures.... (BEFORE the actual christmas is here...)

Happy Thanksgiving 2009!!!!!

Well... Last year?? we were on our honeymoon... This year we were in Malad, ID with family. Sean's mom's side has a reunion every year. And we really enjoyed it. There were so many cousins, aunts and uncles running around. We LOVED it. Food. Laughing. Volleyball. Card games. Black Friday Shopping. Sleeping on the Floor. Food. Pictures. Family. and so many other things we enjoyed. Hope you love the pictures.